it’s [finally] beginning to feel like christmas

i can’t seem to get into the christmas spirit until after the actual christmas day is over.  up till then, it’s just deadlines and timetables and to-do lists.  for me, emotional christmas is the time between when we return from our traveling and the freundly new year’s eve bash.  even better if, like this year, we save some presents to open and host a houseguest or two.  (woo mom visit!)  the lights on the house are so sparkly, and the tree’s so nice, and i can listen to christmas music and experiment with holiday recipes without feeling like the clock’s ticking.

i think next year, i might advocate having christmas at our place…or at least staying here for the holidays.  i’d love to actually DO something with our stockings…filling them a week after the fact makes me feel like a yahoo.

and MAN is it raining out there.  just hurling rain against the windows.  O.O  time to go snuggle up with my pookie…

evening commute

Train whistles in the distance

Jet lights overhead

All the world is going somewhere

While I’m headed home to bed.

the essential questions

The Vorlons ask, “who are you?”

The Shadows ask, “what do you want?”

Our answers are the key to our personality and our destiny.

It’s not as clear-cut as good and evil, light and dark, although visually, the Vorlons and the Shadows do indeed typify those extremes, and their ideology is on opposite ends of the spectrum as well.  They’re ancient races and have been walking their respective paths for longer than we can imagine.  For we, the “young ones,” who a few paltry millenia ago were busy growing opposable thumbs (or living in a Garden, depending on your belief), our psyches are too muddled to be classified as Good or Evil.  In RPG parlance, we’re Chaotic, whatever our other leanings.

But still the questions loom about us, and still we must answer.  Whether it’s posed by an alien, or the product of our own still small voices, we have to ask,

Who am I?

What do I want?

and we have to decide which will guide our lives.

an unexpected complication

ok, so at real work (NCSU), we’re reading a self-help-career-enhancer book called Go Put Your Strengths to Work. it’s basically about tailoring your job to focus more on what you enjoy and less on what makes you want to stab yourself in the eye. as with most of this genre, i’m a little skeptical, but overall, not a bad premise, right? except for one little, slightly embarrassing, problem.

i have a niggling suspicion that in order to follow my heart/find my bliss/put my strengths to work, i should have some clue what my heart/bliss/strengths ARE.

doesn’t that sound lame? it’s a simple enough question…”what do you want to do?” and yet i find my jaw flapping blankly and myself involuntarily responding, “what do you need me to do?” that’s not the point, and i know it. and yet my whole being tenses when i try to weed out the needs, the expectations, and the second-guessing and just BE.

it feels like there must be a secret answer, y’know? like the strategy for exams (which i used more than i like to admit) wherein you answer not the question the professor asked, but the question he implied: “do you agree with me?” my favorite profs were the ones that didn’t work on, but the vast majority of times, it was the fastest, least-effort-involved, route to an A. i think i’m still trying to answer that implied question, but “what do you want” is a tougher one to fake.

the sad fact of it is, i’m not sure i have any idea.

i can list the things i’m good at, the things other people consider my strengths. but according to Go, just because you’re good at something, that doesn’t mean it’s an actual strength. this concept is stressful and gives me a headache. it also profoundly complicates things! >.< because if i can’t go on things i do well for my criteria, what am i supposed to use?

i talked to one of my co-workers about this, and she recommended a list of helpful books. i think the most annoying part of this whole “find your bliss” thing is that i don’t have TIME to sit and meditate about my druthers. in mel’s immortal words, i got shit to DO! maybe after the new year i’ll get a moment to sit down and read through these undoubtedly very helpful resources…maybe i’ll even sit in a dark room and contemplate living like no one is watching. but for now, Christmas is less than a week away and i still haven’t sent out cards, wrapped presents, packed, or baked.

my bliss will simply have to wait its turn.

deer in the headlights

/peer Steph and Mel…

Dayum you people are fast! I’m on here for <24 hours and you’re making with the linkage. ;-p

So yeah, I have a “real” post percolating in my head but have to find time to work on it (stupid Things To Do A Week Before Christmas and stupid Work). In the meantime, love and huggles. 🙂

Blogging, eh…?

I feel very Homer Simpson when I say that. Haven’t had a weblog since back before they got all contractionated and hip, so I may be very out of practice. But Mel linked me over here and oh, what the hey. 😉 Please don’t judge too harshly the disorganized mess which will inevitably tumble down on your head should you open this door…and you might want to wear a hard hat, just in case.

true in ’01, true now

I wrote this soon after Mikey and I moved to Raleigh, and every year it’s the same story. If it weren’t for how much I treasure our friends here, the pull of snowy climes like the Pacific Northwest or New England would be much harder to resist.

November

11/25/01

At home, this grey-brushed
sky would signal snow. We’d watch
the clouds, sniff the air

appraisingly
for that cold, clear wildness. We’d stock
up on firewood,

check the root cellar
for canned goods and fill milk jugs
with water; we’d watch

the forecast as a
gesture, tune in the weather
radio, and wait.

Last year this time, we’d
seen snow twice. But here, all the
weather yields is rain.