guess what we did today

aaaaaand

man up, nancy.

i’m a whiner.  but i don’t just settle for the basic “but i can’t doooooooo this!”  oh, no.  i wrap my whine in a warm blanket of logic and self-analysis.  “you see, it’s not that i don’t WANT to do this.  i just can’t, BECAUSE….blahblahblah.”  it’s like putting a grain of truth in a lie, and it makes the self-defeating sentiments all the harder to dispute.

one of the things i really respect about WW — and my group leader in particular — is that they don’t buy it.  if you follow the rules and make sure you’re getting the right amounts of water, veggies, healthy oils, exercise, etc, you WILL lose weight.  my leader is proof, the two ladies sitting in front of me in meetings are proof, heck, my little gold star from last week is proof.  the website has a science section that systematically shoots down all those comforting excuses and myths and theories that justify “i can’t.”

i worry when my weight loss slows to a fraction of a pound.  negative thoughts come flooding in.  this was too good to be true…i should have known i couldn’t keep it going…fattyfatfatterson.  and then i look at my weekly point tracker, and nooooo…it wasn’t genes, or big bones, or the phase of the moon.  it was because over the course of 7 days, i drank 20 oz of water, instead of the recommended 3500.  or i abandoned veggies.  or i spent the whole time sitting on my ass.   it’s trackable, and it’s explainable.

and that means it’s overcomable.

if i don’t achieve the goals i’ve set for myself, it will be because i just didn’t put in the requisite effort.  it’s that simple…and that scary.  as i type, i feel the chill breeze of accountability curling around me.  i can’t blame this on other things or other people; the time for whining is over, and all my excuses have been shot down like skeet on a firing range.  i’ve got the support; i’ve got the tools; the motivation is up to me.

motivation like looking at the ideal weight for my height/age, and realizing i’m 50lbs on the wrong side of that.  at a pound or two a week, that’s such a long way from here. and yet, cliche, journey begins, cliche, single step, yadda, yadda, blah.

some people have an angel or a devil on their shoulder.  i have doctor cox.

news and notes

new page!

and everybody please welcome mikey!

most expensive shuffle evar

my new turquoise shuffle is purdy.

my computer won’t recognize it.

iTunes won’t let me download new music.

i’m being strong-armed into an OS upgrade.

my XP cd won’t upgrade from Win2000 Server.

add the price of a new hard drive to my shuffle…

and potentially a new computer all together.

all so i can download fatboy slim.

come on and break it on down.

Cellophane

I think it takes a special kind of courage to be visible. To take up space, to say I AM. To not hurry out of people’s way, or squeeze against the shelves in a store aisle to make room as someone passes. To own one’s own body. To know that people SEE your curves, your bulges, your imperfections, and not to hide.

It’s funny how being overweight can make you both invisible and so very visible at the same time. It’s relatively common for victims of rape or abuse to gain weight, either consciously or subconsciously attempting to become less noticeable, less attractive, less visible. The irony is that even though the majority of Americans have extra flesh on their bones, the “padded” ones still stick out in a crowd. The national obsession with the scale means that we carry mental measuring tapes, pulling them out every time another person passes. Wow, her ass is enormous. Man, he’s got a gut on him. That kid does NOT need those french fries!

Our inborn competitiveness mixes with a strain of body dysmorphia to create a running commentary in our brains, and the announcers aren’t saying nice things. I’ve caught some episodes of How to Look Good Naked, and one (Layla, season 1, downloadable on iTunes if you’re interested) really resonates. I see so much of myself in her… One of the first things Carson does on the show, after the lady in question is stripped to her skivvies, is to show her a line-up of equally under-clad women, placed in graduated order of size (of hips, thighs, whatever) and ask her to insert herself in the line. Invariably, her eyes are bigger than her bulges, and once she realizes that she’s not the freakshow she thought, the healing can begin. Maybe a little hokey, but it makes me cry every time.

Isn’t it ironic to fear that everyone’s looking at you — and that no one knows you’re alive? Thin doesn’t equal confident, but it might give me the chutzpah to have a cookie in public without noticing or imagining every flick of a glance that says, “should you really be eating that?”

A human being’s made of more than air. With all that bulk, you’re bound to see him there.

keep on running to the gates of the city

to give up now would be such a pity.

3.6 lbs lost on the first week of the Plan. i celebrated with a 6″ subway club, diet squirt, and 2.5 cinnamon rolls — and still didn’t break the point budget! there are two ladies in my “class” who have been doing WW for 6 months and have each lost 45 lbs.  i want that.

i promise, i’m not going to turn this blog into a catalog of my weight loss adventures, but by the same token, this is an adventure.  barring that anomaly during my high school years, i’ve always been at least a 14/16, and since graduation that’s become a 16/18…and then more solidly a 18…and it stops now.  i’ll try not to bore you folks with points this and meetings that, but please bear with me as i explore this uncharted ground.  it’s not just about the numbers going down — if i am to truly become a thinner me, i suspect i will have to drag out, dust off, and throw away some well-worn mentalities that have been lurking at the back of my psyche.

i love how supportive mikey has been and is being. we went shopping yesterday armed with my little slidey calculator, and it was prolly pretty funny to see us hunkered down in the soup aisle, comparing different brands of ramen noodle.  for the record, there’s a significant difference, and the low-cal-low-sodium version is the way to go.  the others…yeesh.  he isn’t counting points himself, but he’s very aware of and conscientious about mine.  he doesn’t tempt me to eat more or worse things, and he seems genuinely interested in what i’m learning.  i feel so lucky to have this amazing man in my life.

she speaks the truth

sometimes, random blog clicks can be quite inspiring.

victory is a place to put your keys

one of our sponsors wanted their name on something for the symposium (besides the sign).

we were going to do this:

but i suggested we do this (clicky for detailed awesome):

and the sponsor loved it!

/flex!

with any luck…

you’ll be seeing a lot less of me.

took the plunge and joined weight watchers. contrary to everything i expected, the points system actually kind of appeals to me…and they gave me a slidey scale thingy to find the point value of random foods.

it’s fun. like a little mini-puzzle.

i’m not really looking directly at any weight loss “goals.” there’s mention of a 10% goal, and a “first five” and a goal weight, but even the 10% — the “that’s not so bad, huh?” number — is too big to calmly contemplate. at the moment, i’m just writing down my points and trying to internalize what 27 points per day feels like.

you know what my goal is? my goal is that by November 1, the $40 oversize charge they slapped on my bridesmaid dress will have become wasted money.

that’s only 1.5 dress sizes.

i can do it.